Difficile
Hand on my shoulder, eyes open to a dim face, masked, “Hey, time for vitals.”
Oh, right, back in the hospital, give wrist for bracelet barcode scan.
Blood pressure velcro “Can you uncross your legs please? Thanks.” squeeze my arm and count badum badum badum, fingertip prick to check blood sugar, thermometer in the ear.
“Okay, you’re all set.”
The nurse aide wheeled the rolling vital sign monitor away and shut the door behind him.
grrggg
damn, too tired, don’t want to…
rrrrrrrgggggg
get up, unplug
wheel and walk cool air through my gown, goosebumps, cold porcelain seat
gggggggrrrrrrrrggggllrgrgrgrrrrrrgpphhhhh… discolored yellow, noxious sweet smell, probably the c. diff, blech. Blrgrup, uh oh, coming up, hckk HHccKkk… BLLEECCHhhhh, again, BBLaaAARRGGGghhhh, watery mucus, haven’t eaten…
BRGRBRLLUUUUUURRRRgggghHHh…huhhuhh, PtOoey.
cold sweat shakes, sit on the floor in case again…
pull the string to call the nurse if I have to…
subsiding…
I’m okay…
fsssshhhhhhh
Straining on limp legs, wash out sour acidic taste with faucet water, brush back my bedhead and a tassel of hair strands fall into the sink, hollow reflection, essenceless. Wheel IV walk back, plug the outlet, antibiotics and saline almost empty, and back into the warmed polyester and cotton. Quarantined in solo room, at least I can play music from speakers, headphones uncomfortable on the pillow, Nachtmusik back to sleep…
– – –
Blank with no charge, pro nor electro, devoid of value, as one divided by the enigmatic expanding 0 hairless beyond the accretion energy disk that eventually enters the event horizon firewall, all deleted unsaved with no command z to undo, a googol years of information vortexed with angular momentum towards a dense future of eternal entropy @ the center of the sphere of influence which eventually attracts another 0 of comparable mass and inspiral around each other until they merge ∞ pulsing shockwaves through the universe…
( ( ( 0 ) ) )
– – –
rrrggllggrrr up ttthhbbtttttttt fssssshhhhhhhh back to bed – – –
Morning light through the fixed frame, breakfast tray on the extension table: waffles soggy from styrofoam sweat, fruitcup with fructose syrup, cornflakes, milk, tea, orange juice, and a biscuit. Not hungry, only want water, pour from the pitcher and sip from the cup… rrgrglgllggrr up again and unplug IV, wheelwalk to the bathroom.
GRrrrfffffftttttrrggll… more mucus, there can’t be much left, blrgggrrrpp, again… HHCckKKkk…BLarRgGGh… fsshhhhhh
Maybe can kill the nausea by hitting the bowl hidden in my bag before sleep tonight. Could take a long steamy shower, use a bunch of fragrant shampoo, stand on the shower chair and blow towards the vent. Could probably get away with it since I’m quarantined, infrequent visitors especially at night and they all have masks over their nose. Nurse probably doesn’t care anyways, I know Joseph doesn’t, hope he’ll be my night nurse.
Don’t want the light, draw blinds so the night could last forever, settle back into bed. Exhausted. Head down.- – –
Alert to the door opening, Dr. Mayer entered the room wearing a mask over his mouth and nose.
“Hey, how are you doing? Hanging in there?”
“Hey, not great, nauseous, have been throwing up.”
“Mhm, that’s common with c. diff. Are you nauseous right now?”
“I think I just got rid of whatever’s left in my system.”
“Well, your numbers from this morning show that the antibiotics are starting to work, so hopefully you’ll be feeling better soon.”
“Do you think it could have happened because of the clinical trial drug?”
“I can’t say. I’m actually not even allowed to know if you got the placebo or the real thing, but c. diff. is very prevalent among patients with ulcerative colitis, so very likely that it could have happened anyway since your white blood cell count is low, in the neutropenic range, which makes you particularly susceptible right now.”
“Are we still going to do cyclosporine?”
“I know we discussed doing the initial cyclosporine infusion while in the hospital during this stay, but we need to take care of the c. diff. first, so we’re going to hold off on that for now, okay?”
“Alright… so I’ll need to return for another hospital stay?”
“Yes, unfortunately, the c. diff has thrown us off course a bit. Can I check out your stomach?”
“Yeah, I haven’t eaten anything.”
I pulled aside my blue gown. He put on gloves for plastic barrier for light prods on my soft squishy stomach.
“Does that hurt?”
“It’s tender.”
“Mhmm, well while the c. diff gets resolved with the Flagyl we’ll get you some hydrocortisone, which should get you feeling better quickly, sound good?”
More steroids, wonder how much my body can take before side effects. If he says it’s okay, I guess I believe him.
“Yeah. How long do you think I’ll be in here for?”
“Depends on how you’re progressing, first thing to see is that you’re c. diff negative. I also want to get you an iron infusion because your hemoglobin is really low.”
“Okay, sounds good,” hope I downloaded enough entertainment.
“Alright, if your parents have any questions, tell them to give me a call, and I’ll be in to see you again on Thursday, okay?”
“Okay, thanks.”
“I hope you start feeling better soon, the nurses will contact me if anything comes up,” he waved and left the room, closing the hermetically sealed door, no handshake, serious about the spore-forming c.diff. unforeseen bacterial development so they nuke my system with antibiotics to level everything back to baseline. Shouldn’t have done the clinical trial, turned myself into an experiment. Led astray by the chance for a promising new drug and minimal stipend for participating and tracking my progress, at least enough to keep my weed supply stocked with deals from Tom. Experiment may have exacerbated symptoms, and now more steroids and antibiotics, and then in-patient again for cyclosporine treatment, and who knows if that will work, and meanwhile I’m just getting worse, and Doctor Mayer doesn’t even know if I had a powerful new immunosuppressant or a sugar pill, and I’m highly contagious and…
at least I did my part for Science. Progress from failure for the good of humanity. Should pay the guinea pigs more, just as essential as the scientist, but they can’t hold jobs. Didn’t realize YouTube still autoplaying classical, a single note hanging there unwavering. Door opened, masked nurse.
“Hey, how are you feeling?”
“Tired, didn’t sleep well, was throwing up a bunch.”
“What time?”
“After someone came in to take my vitals, and then again just before Doctor Mayer came in.”
Need weed to kill the nausea.
“Okay, and right now, how much pain are you in from 1 to 10?”
“I’m okay at the moment. I don’t think there’s much left in my stomach.”
“I need a number for your chart.”
“Uhh…” how to quantify? “3.”
“Okay, and Doctor Mayer went over the plan with you?”
“Yep.”
“Great, so we’re going to start you on the hydrocortisone now and continue with the antibiotics.”
“Sounds good.”
“Okay, I’m hooking up the hydrocortisone…” adjusting the bags over my head and rerouting the lines, “Alright, that should whip your system into shape in short order. Can I get you anything else? Newspaper?”
“No, that’s okay, I’ve got the internet.”
“Okay, I’ll be back in a bit.”
Still selling newspapers to patients. A hardcopy for everyone every day doesn’t make sense, take it easy on the trees, the internet servers need air conditioning though. Laptop still open from last night, sleeping black mirror reflecting florescent white lights in back of my bed which show the screen splattered with… what is that? Hope not snot, or another body fluid, see if I can wipe it off… guess not. Faint patterns of heat marks and scratches on the black screen like galaxies in the dark distance. Increase contrast, daytime, click browser window to nytimes, more news about Wall Street, now calling it a credit crisis instead of a mortgage crisis as it affects other areas of the economy, glad we still have our house, hard to endure without a home. White House was moved from New York to Washington to separate capitol from capital, but the government is forcing the taxpayers to bail out the banks, privatize profits socialize losses, safety net for banks instead of the people is the difference between capitalism and socialism. Uncle Joe was complaining about research institutions fudging results to prove their hypotheses when data suggested otherwise so that they can secure more funding. The modern economy justifies greed with free market economics, uses outdated industrial-age economic indicators like GDP and turns profit into piety, as if growth at all costs won’t have residual side effects like steroids…
Don’t think about it. Click to r/aww fluff bunnies kittens puppies, and a parakeet dancing to punk rock. See what’s on my Facebook feed, vicarious clicks through friends’ photos, Paul on a hike with people I don’t know, check their profile to find out who they are, maybe friends next year, wonder if he told them about me. Should send him a message, but don’t want to be a downer if he’s having fun. Maybe just send a song he hasn’t heard, enjoying this Little Joy album, send him one of the tracks, Only when the goal is unattainable…
Hey man how’s the semester going? I’ve been digging this whole album, lmk what you think: youtube.com/watch?v=Qs6WFMJGxE8
Instant message, genesis of the neural network, spread empathy, raise public awareness, keep authority accountable, voices synthesized, maybe I should send him Animal Collective, probably someone else has shared them already, their album has been going viral, wish I could go see a live show downtown…
Check Gmail, message from my sister:
Hey, how are you doing? I heard you were in the hospital again 🙁 my semester’s going well, I’m enjoying Miami, I got to snorkel at the field station the other day, there were some cool starfish and other little critters, and the shoreline is filled with these really cool trees called mangroves that have floating seeds, and their roots grow in the water and they make a really nice environment for marine critters and protect the shoreline, I can’t wait to show you when you can come visit. In the meantime I thought you might like this video: David after Dentist, click…
Haha, “will this be forever?” let it autoplay the next video until bored…- – –
Enough energy for action, open Super Nintendo emulator, load ROM file Super Metroid: take control of two-dimensional bionic cyborg side scroll through a labyrinth shooting space reptiles, don’t run out of energy, find power-ups, momentarily stuck but slowly figure the way forward…
Rrglllrgrg… just want to defeat this boss and get to a save station… grgrrrglllgrggg can’t, pause, unplug, wheelwalk over to the toilet…
Hckkkk hckk, ptoo just phlegm…
Grrrggglllggrgglrgll… and mucus…
fsshhhhh
Too tired to play anymore, turn on mindless TV click past paid programming and soap operas, stop on SportsCenter highlights soccer golazos, transition to anchors talking about Jeter and A-roid, commercial break, familiar plum red and white Humira logo on the screen advertising its use for rheumatoid arthritis, shots of a middle-aged woman performing everyday fine motor functions getting ready for a date: “helps to ease my pain and protect my joints so I can get back to living my life,” then the narrator’s serious and speedy voiceover: “Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, so tell your doctor if you have ever had tuberculosis, hepatitis B, or if you have an open sore, the flu or another infection. There have been rare reports of serious and sometimes fatal infections of tuberculosis, blood disorders, nervous system disorders, serious allergic reactions, and lymphoma, a certain type of cancer have occurred,” and ends on an upbeat tone speaking slower: “You can never do too much to prevent further joint damage, so talk to your doctor today about Humira.” Talk to your doctor… why? I’m sure your rheumatologist is aware of the big brand names on the market. The Science should speak for itself to convince doctors, and surely a marketing budget would be better spent finding an alternative without all those side effects, scary to hear them listed like that, glad I’m off it, change channels to sitcom reruns, daily hijinks out and about around the city, don’t have to pay attention, already know the locales and characters, can tell the plot by the expression on their face. Getting bored, try a movie instead… Blade_runner.avi, drag to VLC…
– – –