“Hey, sorry, we gotta take your vitals…”

Extend arm with bracelet hand to scan barcode, prick, squeeze, prod in the dark, then give him my other arm for blood pressure, release.

On my side, legs tangled, sheets a ball, neckrick. Straighten out. Lie on back, pillow over face…

gggrrgl

Get up, unplug, wheel over coughghcocouhgh past wheezy middle-aged roommate. 

rrrrrrrppggggrrgl

fssshhhhhhh a little easier, stomach responding, to steroids or cyclosporine?

Smile and nod at roommate as I walk past. Plug back in, straighten out my sheets and blanket before sliding in, see if I can get back to that dream, what was it? sleep time past faster… beeeeep… beeeeep… beeeeep…

Mine? no, roommate’s machine. Nurse walks in to talk to him on the other side of the curtain, “Hey, how are you feeling? Okay, well we can…”

Try to find a comfortable position, clammy bedsheets to the side until I’m too cold, upperback and neck knotted on my left side, would switch over to my right but the IV would tangle, reposition pillows perpendicular, bottom arm through the crevice under the top pillow. The nurse walked over, checked my IV, and left. Pillow over ear and eyes try to block all stimuli, but morning news chatter from my roommate’s television permeates, sleep isn’t coming, grog gone, awake now. Up over to open the blinds, concrete sky, can’t open the fixed window, controlled environment, keep out the traffic vapor from Mad ave down below, central air for circulation. Lunch on the extension table, ham sandwich, mashed potatoes, and steamed vegetables, tolerable for steroid appetite, energy increasing, ready to get out of here but still have a few doses of IV cyclosporine left before I can switch to oral, hope this works, don’t want to have to check back in here, three stays in six months, don’t even know what I’ve been doing with my time at home, haze of weed movies and video games to make the time pass. Turn on TV to news about the War in Afghanistan, ongoing since 9/11, success stories without an end in sight, Vietnam all over again… ID bracelet getting annoying and the IV itchy, pick at the tape, veins starting to hurt, bending at the elbow feels stiff and sore, need to get a nurse to change my IV to the other arm, but don’t want to deal with a new insertion, could just disconnect, elevator down to the lobby and walk out into the park for some fresh air, could probably even find a pickup soccer game, survive for a couple months before my body forced me back in here. What if they’re just poisoning me? Poison is medicine is poison is medicine depending on the dose and I’m taking a high one. 

Rrrglgr

Up again unplug, past the roommate…

Grrrgglrruggug

Fsssshhhhhhhh…

Smile and wave as I walk back by him, he nodded, and addressed me with an earnest smile,

“Dijya sleep okay?”

“Got some, but it’s hard to stay asleep in here.”

“Yep constant commotion coughcough… I hope I didn’t snore…”

“No, I didn’t hear you.”

“That’s good. You feeling alright?”

“Yeah, I’m doing okay, I just hope this drug works for me.”

 “What do they have you on?”

 “Cyclosporine.”

 “Mmm, I’ve heard of that but never taken it, but anything’s better than being dependent on surgery and steroids, that’s what they have me on.”

“Do you have ulcerative colitis?”

“Crohn’s.”

“And you’re gonna have surgery?”

“I’ve had a dozen of them or so coughcough basically when a spot in my intestines gets too bad they just take out the section.” 

“Jeez.”

“Have you seen a colostomy bag before?”

“I’ve seen pictures on the internet. It didn’t work perfectly for you?”

“It was great for a while, and then all of a sudden it just got bad again, so I’m back in here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, hopefully these steroids do the trick and I can stay home for a few more years. We’ll see.”

“Yeah, it’s not fun being in here.”

“Nope, but at least I don’t have to go to work.”

“I guess it’s not too bad if you call it a paid vacation.”

“Haha, that’s right.”

“Hey, I’m gonna go lie back down, see if I can get anymore sleep.”

He nodded, “good luck.”

“You too.”

Feel bad for him, seems nice enough, easy to see how I could end up like him… relax, serenergy, roll up the extra blanket just enough to fit in the nape of my neck, lie on back, looking up at the ceiling tiles, close eyes, and breathe 1, 2, 3, 4… what was that dream I had last night? Eyes closed, try to recall, something in space…

Shuffling nearby, open eyes, dad putting his coat down on the chair next to my bed.

“Hey there, you’re awake. How are you doing?”

“Hey, I’m okay, you made it.”

“Of course. I see you did pretty well with your lunch there. I brought you a bag of chips and some other snack stuff.” 

“Oh, great, yeah my appetite is picking up.” 

“Your eyes look better, do you think the drug is working?”

 “I think it’s just the steroids kicking in at this point, doctor Mayer said the cyclosporine takes a couple weeks.”

“I see, and how’s your energy doing?”

“A bit restless, feel like I’m passing out for a couple hours instead of sleeping.”

“Have you gotten out of bed?”

“To the window and bathroom.”

The nurse came in with another bag of liquid drugs.

“Hi, you must be dad, nice to meet you, just checking in here, everything good?”

“Yep, I’m doing alright.”

“Ate most of his lunch,” said dad.

“That’s what we like to hear. No pain?”

 “Nope, I’m okay.”

“Great, well I’ve got the next round of cyclosporine here, are you ready?”

“Yep.”

Placed overhead and hooked into my mainline.

“Would it be okay to go for a walk while the infusion is going?” asked Dad.

“Yeah, that should be fine. Of course let us know if you feel any kind of side effects. But if your appetite is good, you should definitely go for a walk, it’ll help digestion, get your stomach moving.” 

Would like to go outside…

“Okay, I’m up for a stroll.”  

“Great, well I’ll see you guys out in the hallway then,” said the nurse as she attached my bag, then went over to my roommate.

I got up and put pants on for the first time since admission, tuck in the gown, can’t put a t-shirt on because of the IV, machine unplugged, slide into slippers and walk out of the room, stupid stuck wheel makes it hard to turn, have to muscle it a bit, “want me to push it for you?” “No that’s okay, I got it,” wheelwalk past the nurse’s station and trudge down the hallway out of the gastro wing, past old portraits of past hospital presidents and elevators on our left, but on our right the hallway opened up to overlook a large room of light, six stories of window above communal green space, benches bushes and trees, my heavy legs lightening as blood began to flow. We continued down the hall to a visitor’s lounge, snack and soda machines, benches, television, and windows overlooking Central Park. Can see kids on a jungle gym in the playground, a game of catch on the open meadow between the trees, and birds flying over a sliver of reservoir to the south. Wish I had this view in my room.

“I feel like I could go out there and play soccer, but I know I can’t.”

“Yeah, that disparity between what you feel like and what your body can do is something that most people experience much later in life. On a good day, I feel like I’m twenty-five. But you’ll get back out there, time is on your side.”

An extended family of eight walked in, two conversing loudly while three children chased each other around the adult legs. Dad looked at me and nodded his head to the side, we walked out and back down the same hallway, past the atrium below. 

“Want to go down there?”

“You think it’s okay to leave the floor?”

“You feel okay, right? No side effects?”

“I’m good.”

“No problem then.”

Elevator arrow down ding IV wheels bump over the metal threshold, down to the fifth floor. As we walked forward, the scale of the space opened up with beige brick walls brightened by cloud-muted sunlight from the six-storied, floor-to-ceiling windows, and as we entered the space, the stale hospital air dissipated into the organic atmosphere of flowers, bushes, and trees. Nearby, a couple other patients talked with their visitors, and a few nurses chatted at a table over their lunch.

“This is a nice space,” said dad. 

huhhhhhuhhhhh

“Yeah, the air tastes fresher in here.”

“A big room with sunlight, ventilation, and vegetation will do that. IM Pei designed this, he was one of the first to make these giant glass rooms that function as huge windows.” 

“Kind of makes me think of a greenhouse, it’s especially nice to have some trees in a place that feels claustrophobic and sterile.”

We walked over to an empty bench next to one of the trees. Touch the bark, rough, real, growing from dirt. 

“Yeah, I also think it’s ecologically important to incorporate nature into our buildings, especially in the city, we need all the green we can get. You know, in many ways the story of the 20th century is the culmination of man’s attempt to conquer nature, and the 21st is going to be the story of finding our limitations.”

“It’s like we’re children rambunctiously playing with new toys, testing the boundaries until mother nature puts us on time out.”

“Well that’s one way to put it. I mean, our toys are very cool, we went to the moon and back, which is incredible, but now we’re just starting to see the detriment of exploiting fossil fuels and perpetually setting things on fire, and if we don’t shift our whole mindset as a society, we’re going to do real harm to our planet. For example, if we could make windows as big as these that could open up, we could line them with plant life and ecosystems and even turn skyscrapers into vertical farms that feed thousands, filter out carbon and cool our buildings and sidewalks in the summer, and then trap warmth and humidity when we close our windows during the winter. It would take a lot of money, but we could make buildings that breathe. I’ve pitched the idea to a couple developers, but they just look at me like I’m crazy cause it would be a slow return on their investment.”

“That sounds cool, you think it’s possible to get rid of heating and air conditioning?”

 “Yes, humans have lived for the majority of our existence without them, we would have to broaden our indoor temperature comfort zones beyond 68 to 72 degrees, and populate moderate climate regions instead of deserts and tropics, like Las Vegas or Miami, which would never have become population centers before air conditioning. You know your sister was telling me they have lines drawn in science buildings on her campus that are marked with the year that the water level is expected to reach them, and they’re all in the next fifty years or so. That city is not surviving the 21st century.”

Cloud shift, contrast increase, sunlight through the giant windows supported by black metal lattice, silhouetting square shadows that bent with the angles of interior walls. 

“What about New York? We’re also on the coast.” 

“Miami has more hurricanes and a higher water table, so New York will survive longer, but yeah, if sea level rise continues at the current rate, Manhattan will start to go underwater in your lifetime unless the Army Corps of Engineers intervenes in a major way.” 

“So coastal cities are all going to become Atlantis?”

“More or less, eventually everyone’s gonna have to move inland.” 

“The Appalachian Mountains will make a good buffer.” 

“Yea, it would take a lot for the ocean to get over them, but river valleys will flood as well.”

GrrRgggl

Increased appetite full stomach. 

“Oof, let’s head back, I’ve gotta use the bathroom.” 

“Can you make it back to your room? I saw one down that hall.”

“I don’t want to use the public one.”

rrGGLgll

 We wheelwalked back to the elevator, ding, back up to my floor, and down the hall past the nurse’s station, quickly to my restroom.

rrrrgglllgggrggggrr fffffsshhhhhhhh

I rolled back over to bed and sat down, dad plugged the IV back in for me.

“They left your dinner here, looks like some pasta and a salad.” 

“Mmm, I’ll eat it later, I’m feeling tired now.”

“Just rest then, I’ve got some work to get done anyway.”

Short walk more exercise than I realized, eyes closed…- – –

ggrrrgglll

Dad sitting next to my bed, working on his laptop, helped me unplug and wheel walk over to the… Rrrrggggg grGLRggg thBbBtthh fffffshhhhhhhhh

Puffy cheeks in the mirror, steroid jowls, tussle a bunch of dandruff and hair off my head into the sink, maybe going bald like majority of men in my ancestry, most hair I’ll have on my head is right now, getting older quickly, wheelwalk back to bed.

“How are you feeling?”

“The pain isn’t bad, I just feel like I’m starting to wear down mentally, haven’t gotten much good sleep, can’t concentrate, wasn’t aware that I was going to be spending this much time in the hospital. This is my third time in here and I have a feeling more is coming.”

“I hear you. Well you’re almost out of here, they said you can check out tomorrow, right? Hopefully the cyclosporine will work, and you can go back to school next semester, but for now just take it a day at a time and try to relax as best you can.”

 “Yeah. I gotta put a movie on.”

 “What movie?”

“I’ve got a bunch downloaded, but I was thinking of watching Brazil next.”

“Oh, that’s a great one. I’m pretty sure I only saw it when it was in theaters, so it’s been a while.”

“You wanna watch some of it?”

 “Yeah, throw it on, though I think visitor’s hours will end before it’s over.”

“That’s okay, I might fall asleep anyway, if I do try not to wake me up.”

“Alright. Are you hungry? Your dinner is getting cold.” He pushed the tray in front of me. I forked a couple overcooked pasta pieces into my mouth and pushed it away. 

“Dinner is the worst meal here, and then I’m not gonna be able to sleep if I’m digesting.”  

I loaded Brazil on my laptop and pressed play:

Floating above the clouds, we stood beneath an amber moon…

SOMEWHERE

IN THE

20TH CENTURY

Television: do your ducts seem old fashioned, out of date?… Explosion!!!

– – –