Back home night undisturbed tick-tick-tick restless feel each second passing slow in endless night tick-tick legs want to move won’t sit still though I’m tired can’t spend energy how walk to where and when is what need more weed so much that it knocks me out or will I stay up all until crash at least I have nothing to do tomorrow or the next day tick-tick-tick or the day after maybe an appointment see how the cortifoam-vancomycin-predinose-cyclosporine cocktail is performing but I only have a couple grams of ganj left and need to ration to make it through until I can figure out how to get fifty bucks or something at least hungry with food in the pantry what’s there crackers and peanutbutter tastes bad tinged bitter by white thrush tongue but I’ll still eat and then food is energy too but I don’t know what to do with energy if I stay by myself with nothing then all the time waiting wasted patient for what because I’m still sick but better but still nausea and urgency even with the steroids and my purple bruised IV arm sore from superficial phlebitis and cheeks are puffed and put on water weight but I can’t sweat because I can’t even play soccer for more than a couple minutes a single sprint and I’m spent and I’m only twenty and I’m trapped in the house and then it’s only going to get worse when I taper but then at least I’ll be asleep in bed at least I’ll be able to rest if nothing and if I rest I can dream and forget for a moment where I’m back at college and down to the river and into the woods up to the stars but right now I can’t do anything and the student loan collection agency called me the other day and pretended to be pleasant and interested in my well-being before telling me that my grace period was over and asking if I would be able to make a payment and when I said I was sick got irritated because he couldn’t do his job which was to get credit card information and make a payment over the phone and then told me I’ll have to apply for a deferment but only if my sickness is actually keeping me from getting a job and I finally told him I’m shitting blood a dozen times a day and hung up, but if I get a deferment than interest will accumulate while I’m not making any progress or money, and if I’m actually able to go back to school and graduate into this economic recession then the degree won’t be worth the amount that I signed up to pay for…  but I need to stop thinking about these things because stress is not good for my stomach and I need rest but I can’t and I tried to play chess but I can’t organize my thoughts keep losing and getting angry at myself for dumb blunders like leaving my queen for the bishop on the diagonal that I knew was there and I did it anyway and if my body doesn’t work and my mind doesn’t either then what worth am I even if I just lose all the time I should just resign but at least my doctor said there’s still moves left to make and if none of them work then surgery and how long is that all going to tick-tick-tick and is it worth it even to endure cause steroids have long term side effects and I’ve already been in the hospital after the Remicade didn’t do anything so now we’re trying cyclosporine but I don’t feel it working and why was I not supposed to eat grapefruit and I know I’m a financial burden but at least I can be on my mom’s healthcare plan but that’s only until twenty-six and the longer it goes without a solution the higher risk of toxic mega colon cancer and I don’t want to have surgery and have my intestines taken out of me and who knows if I’ll even survive that because who even can cut someone’s stomach and keep their wits while they find the problem part like a mechanic but I’m not a machine and I breathe and peristaltic pulse with life but I guess that’s what the anesthesia’s for but what if…

Stop, okay, I need a distraction for myself…

plug into the energy outlet even if it’s late I can look at the bright pixels and who cares if I stay up eventually I’ll tire, how about a game of StarCraft spaz out on the mouse search for 3v3 shared base map to take the pressure off so I don’t care if we lose can blame my teammates but if I can start playing well then I’ll try my luck on the solo ladder… game found, try to remember the build order, click-click-click-click-click…

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