itchchchchchch… from weaning off the pain pills and flaking scab skin around the stoma have to keep dry or else fungal rash red so powder liberally but not the surface where the bag needs to stick to skin, improving precision angled scissor cut, measure the oblong circumference with the paper cutout sheet of various circle sizes, slowly getting smaller as the swelling subsides and cut the wafer to fit and then caulk the contours with the barrier ring around the rose, then stick the wafer taut and smooth to skin surface, then snap the ersatz intestinal bag into place, then plastic clamp at the bottom for a sphincter and all set. Not squeamish anymore because somehow having a stomach hole with intestines coming through and stitched to skin doesn’t hurt so bad even after weaning off the oxycotton blanket that makes everything feel comfortable and snug, visiting nurse said I did a good job changing it, and she was nice but glad that she’s not coming anymore because I can do it myself, now just have to wait to fully heal so I can go back and get the next surgery and maybe that will be my last and I can go back to school… wish I could make time fast forward which I could do if not for the chchchch… probably could have gotten another refill of the percocets for more numbness but don’t need if I can huhhhhhuuhhhhhh flower vapor and boot up the Xbox to replay the United States World Cup campaign, drew with England to make it out of the group stage, but then lost to Ghana, a country with a fraction of our population and GDP.

Kickoff and keep control with tiki tap tap tap rondo triangle in the midfield, pass and move, ball does the work, they can’t attack if they don’t have possession, tap tap tap, draw in the defense, look for an opening and play to space, advance as a team, tap, tap, mistouched, turnover, opponent plays the bounce of the ball and tries to catch me on the counter, right back on the overlap, stepover and beats the defender on the flank, wins space with turbo into the corner then a cross across the face of goal… headed into the back of the net. Down one nil. Hunch forward on edge of seat to concentrate tap tap tap…

“Dinner!” yelled mom, pause and one more huhhhuhhh for appetite.

“Mmm, smells good.”

“And looks good too, doesn’t it?”
Mashed sweet potato smooth orange with a swirl in the middle of cast iron pan, shepherd’s pie.

“Yes, looks great, thank you.”

“I didn’t put in any peas or carrots, just a little onion with the ground beef, so it should be easy.”

Plated a large slice, each bite absorbed without pangs or urgency, appetite sans steroids can taste the sweet and salty… Savor. Each. Bite.

“It’s delicious.”

“I’m glad, your cheeks are filling in again, but not puffy like with steroids.”

“Almost want to keep the colostomy bag and call off any more surgeries.”

Could play intramural soccer with an elastic wrap around my core.

“It’ a big relief.”

“I know, I forgot what it’s like to be hungry.”

“Don’t eat too fast.”

Mmmmm mushy morsels, easily digested.

“How was school?”

“Exhausting, Cathy was out sick with a cold, and the sub they sent to cover was a dud, I had to ask her to put her phone away twice.”

“Jeez.”
“But Max was very entertaining, fluttering around the classroom saying ‘ten plus ten is twenty!’ and then I asked him, how did you know that? ‘It’s math!’ and then ran away.”

“Smart kid?”

“Very high functioning, if we can get him to settle down.”

Finished eating can bring my plate and do some dishes, try to be slightly helpful, mom helping so much, taking care of me on top of full-time teaching, but feel a tightness tingling eeEEEeeeeEEEeeenggggggg… “You okay?” asked mom.

“It’s that headache again,” creeping up from stressed shoulders into the back of my head.

“Go lie down, I’ll finish cleaning.”

To my room huhhhuhhh to nix the nausea, turn off the lights, sensitive even with eyes closed, and roll a towel to fit behind my neck and lie down on the flat floor like my acupuncturist said, and turn off the lights, sensitive, lie back, let spine straighten, still until the pressure subsides…

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